“Hey, here’s a fun idea, let’s talk to our kids about something awkward, embarrassing and difficult!” said no parent EVER. No, more often than not, something happens in the life of a child or a family that necessitates a difficult or awkward conversation and when that time arrives, adults can really freak out.
Parents are always looking for the perfect time, the perfect words and the perfect responses, but that perfect scenario will never present itself. Difficult conversations are, well, difficult and the only way to make them less so is to have them often enough that your kids get used to having open, honest dialogue with you even if they squirm and roll their eyes all the way through.
We are not always given the luxury of deciding when to have these talks as they are often thrust upon us when we least expect it. Emergencies, puberty and family stress can arrive at any point in time and conversations become a matter of urgency rather than one of careful script revision. So, some helpful guidelines for all, regardless of the topic or the audience.
1. Listen. My mother used to remind me that I have two ears and one mouth for a reason, so that I could listen more than I speak. You may have many things that need saying, but it is your willingness and ability to listen to your children that will make the conversation productive.
2. Be kind. It can be a mighty challenge, especially with adolescents, to remember kindness. That does not mean be timid or weak or hesitant. It means try to remember that we may never know all of the issues a young person is facing on any given day. Don’t let yourself become so frustrated that you stop being kind or worse, shut down entirely. You are always modeling the preferred way of responding especially when your buttons are being pushed.
3. Be honest. Children, no matter what age, are far more afraid of their parent’s dishonesty than they are of the truth. Kids may not know why you are pretending that everything is just fine when it clearly is not, but your dishonesty teaches them that the subject at hand is so awful that the adults can’t or won’t be honest about what is really happening and that is terrifying. Go ahead, bumble along, let the tears flow if they need to, but tell the truth in age-appropriate terms!
4. Patience is a virtue. Sometimes we are so utterly distressed by the subject at hand that we rush through to the finish line. It can be healthy and helpful to begin a conversation and then pause for processing only to return later to find a deeper understanding of the problem at hand. “To be continued…” is a helpful mindset.
In conclusion, I would offer that darkness, car trips and star gazing are among the best settings for difficult conversations. Sometimes the opportunity to skip eye contact can relieve some of the pressure when the topic at hand is a painful one. This is true for adults and children alike and is especially true when discussing things like a medical diagnosis, divorce or illness. When the stakes involve people we love and everyone present is already so worried about the outcome, then having something else (the road, the big dipper) or nothing else (a dark room) to stare at can make listening, kindness, honesty and patience possible in greater degrees.