12/30/2017              7:50 AM

This is the time of the year, well approximately 2 days and 16 hours from now, when people examine the year that was and contemplate making changes, addressing issues, repenting, rebuilding and reclaiming the life that may have been waning over the last quarter of 2017.

While it can be wise to take a breath on December 31st or thereabouts and contemplate the year that was, with its milestones, miracles, struggles and losses, it is also not the only moment in our lives, nor in our year when awareness can lead to insight and then onward to action.

Those three ingredients, awareness, insight and action are the most essential factors     (in my somewhat humble opinion) to living a more vivid life, a more mindful life and finally, a happier life. Awareness is simply the experience of noticing the world around us whether that world is our kitchen, our significant other or the fact that that nagging pain in our shoulder isn’t going away. Awareness leads us to insight which is, simply put, the act of connecting our observations and behaviors to ourselves, our feelings and our experiences. Once we have become aware of something and have allowed ourselves to have some insight about what might be going on, we can take action.

Taking action is the real challenge because it will likely mean change, even if that change is charging the phone in the kitchen instead of on the nightstand to avoid late night Candy Crush or Twitter. Taking action could look like 3 minutes of meditation every morning before your commute and it definitely means declining to engage in that tired old drama at work. Finally, awareness and insight could just lead to the action step of finding a therapist, someone to talk to about the things that are getting in the way of that vivid, more mindful and happier life.

The bottom line is this, every day is New Year’s Eve, in one way or another. Every day brings the opportunity to be more aware, develop insight and consider taking action to enhance our lives. Don’t wait for the ball to drop on 12/31 or you may risk dropping the ball on your own big, beautiful life.

I love learning new words. I still remember standing against the wall in my second grade classroom waiting for my turn in the spelling bee and being so delighted when I spelled both “February” and “Wednesday” correctly for Mrs. Gilbert. We had been studying silent letters and I was on fire, but Wednesday and February aren’t particularly uncommon words.  I love reaching into my memory banks and throwing less familiar old favorite words into conversation. People who know me well know that I am dismayed by the overuse of the words “awesome” and “amazing”. I mean, can a paint color be truly be awesome? Can a turkey sandwich be amazing? In my opinion there are about 10 situations and/or experiences truly deserving of the word awesome and 7 of them are the natural wonders of the world, one just might be Michael Jackson doing the moonwalk for the first time in 1983 at the Motown 25 Yesterday, Today, Forever special and another clearly has something to do with witnessing the birth of a baby.

Preamble aside, today I am skulking, which in case you are unfamiliar, and according to the dictionary on my bookshelf, is defined as “…loitering to avoid work”. Skulking also has a slightly negative connotation as if to say that someone who skulks is doing so because they are ultimately intending to do something bad. Skulking is close to malingering, another vocabulary gem. Today I am not intending to do anything bad except ignore, postpone or avoid doing some of the things that I really should do, which brings me to the crux of the matter.

Why can it be such a challenge to make progress in therapy when we are legitimately aware of that which we want to change/improve/address/abandon? Why do we skulk in therapy?

1-Occasionally we “loiter to avoid work” in therapy because to do the work means to accept responsibility and accept it not only for the circumstances that led to the problem at hand, but also accept responsibility for the ongoing dysfunction. Ugh.

2-Sometimes we skulk when deep down we would prefer for some other person to step up and either take responsibility or tell us what to do next. “It’s not my fault nothing got addressed, he/she didn’t say anything so how was I supposed to know it was a problem?”

3-Skulking can also become a full time job, so to speak, with the goal of maintaining the status quo and reinforcing hopelessness and negative self-talk which then deepen our sadness, depression and anxiety.

The standard therapeutic treatment for skulking is honesty, communication and vulnerability administered in regular doses through questions such as “tell me more about the way that made you feel?” or “I wonder how we could find out what your spouse really thinks of that behavior?” and this old favorite “What is the worst thing that could happen if you tried to do it differently?” It is my job as the therapist to not only spot skulking in action, but to help a client identify the pattern and to offer strategies that could help to transform skulking (loitering to avoid work) into an opportunity to make progress toward goals and engagement.

As for my own motivation today, I might just stop skulking and spend a few minutes on YouTube trying perfect my moonwalk…

 

 

A good friend asked me recently if I thought that there has ever been a time in our history when people felt this much anxiety, uncertainty and fear about the future. My answer, without hesitation, yes. My history classes and my personal experiences to date confirm that throughout human history there have been periods of significant upheaval of every variety. War, famine, weather, plague, violence, and the struggle for human rights which we seem to be fighting anew with each passing year.

If a glance backward through history reminds us that we have experience, survival and achievement in our collective rear-view mirror, then why all of the free-floating anxiety about the future of America in 2017? My answer, in a word, information.  This is not nostalgia, nor is it an endorsement of ignorance, but perhaps we would all feel a mite less distressed if we limited our relentless doses of breaking news and instead chose one or two reliable sources from which to get our facts.

Growing up in the 70s, we had two major newspapers and three major networks broadcasting both local and national news. On one hand, there was much of the world beyond our reach on the other hand, there was much of the world beyond our reach. Yes, awful and wonderful things were taking place across the city, the nation and the globe and we simply didn’t know about them in real time. We certainly missed out on being aware, but then again, we had a limited number distressing events to fuel our anxiety.

It can be helpful to remember that our species and certainly our nation has faced many significant challenges to date and here we remain ready and able to move forward.

Finally, there is the matter of hope and the value of not only remembering and holding onto it, but also sending big pulses of it back out into the atmosphere. When the grip of free-floating anxiety tightens, lift your eyes from the screen, shake off your rigid posture, fill your lungs with fresh air and go find another human being with whom to create hope.

Given the vast array of available information, from journal articles to TED talks, it is almost entirely possible to get therapy all by ourselves, for ourselves and with ourselves. Beginning with the most basic terms, we can search for our symptoms: sleeplessness, anxiety, decreased sex drive, increased frustration, depression, etc. and receive results containing probable diagnoses and the websites that explain them. Next, we proceed to YouTube to watch presentations, lectures and even actual therapy sessions. Meanwhile, the handy search engines, using BOSSEM (Black Ops Spooky Search Engine Magic) will populate the screen’s advertising space with pharmaceutical ads directing our attention to the latest drugs usually named something with a Z or an X because, well, this.  In addition to prescriptions, we may get a book suggestion which leads us to book review sites where reviewers mention the author’s must-see TED talk.

“Wow,” we conclude, “this TED talker really knows his/her stuff about situations like mine. That is exactly how I feel, how my relationship has broken down, how my self-esteem has tanked. My kids don’t listen to me either and my career has stalled and I need to have better posture. I feel vulnerable and anxious and I am distracted by screens and jacked up on gluten! I may need therapy!”

So what about therapy? Well, as an actual therapist I would lose my mental health practitioner card if I didn’t suggest that you don’t at least consider seeing a therapist when feeling overwhelmed. The hiccup is this, my dear self-evaluated, self-diagnosed and self-determined treatment plan person, there is simply no replacement for the relationship and the room and the experience of being listened to in real time by a therapist with training and experience.

I agree, there are some really wonderful websites offering very helpful information. Like this one and this one and many, many others. The human brain is a miraculous and mysterious place and in recent years there have been remarkable advances in the medical management of mental health diagnoses. We have medicines which, when taken as prescribed (ask your doctor), will affect brain chemistry so as to alleviate symptoms and allow for improvement.

And who doesn’t love an inspiring TED talk like this or an interesting podcast like this or even an encouraging pin like this.

In conclusion, I strongly suggest that we all pursue mental health and mental healing using all of the sites, books, videos and resources on the planet. I suggest that we seek out information about possible interventions and protocols and theories. I suggest that we become active engaged consumers of mental health information and then when it is time to find a therapist, maybe here,

Or here,

Or even my very own website.

We will come prepared to create a productive, dynamic and authentic relationship that will result in greater self-awareness and ultimately the easing of the symptoms that sent us running to the internet in the first place.

 

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

How many times have you heard that classic phrase? Perhaps as a child when you were caught being less than kind to a sibling or a friend, but childhood is not the only time when silencing negative thoughts is essential. As we mature and learn to keep our unkind thoughts TO ourselves, we sometimes learn to keep our worst thoughts FOR ourselves.

Negative self-talk is a prevalent and insidious habit that can derail and dismantle confidence, creativity and joy. Like a random song lyric that won’t be ignored, negative self-talk drowns out all else, sapping enthusiasm and our desire to engage. Rather than noticing the negative thought, questioning its validity and choosing to silence our faulty conclusions, we fall into line and perpetuate the climate of negative thinking and mood.

For example:
Upon receiving an invitation to the annual neighborhood block party, negative self-talk asserts, “I shouldn’t go. All of my neighbors already know each other. They won’t welcome me into their clique and I will feel awkward and unwelcome. I’m not good at making friends.”

Intervention begins with 4 steps: notice, separate, talk back, replace

1. Notice the negative self-talk as it occurs. We are constantly engaged in an inner dialogue and may not initially notice that the negative voice has taken the mic. Try to be aware of mood changes and feelings of anxiety that are the fruit of negative self-talk. Once we learn to be aware and really hear our negative voice chattering on, we can learn to push the mute button.
2. Challenge yourself to separate yourself from the negative voice. Oh, there you are again (even give the voice a name to further separate it from yourself). My inner Eeyore is at it again, time to shut her down!
3. Understand that the negativity is a pattern and decide that you are ready disrupt it.
   I refuse to listen to your anxiety today. You do not speak for the real me.
4. Practice self-affirmation by using some positive self-talk to establish a new pattern.
   Create an inner voice, a mantra or an affirmation that you can use to rewrite the negative self-talk script.
   “I am a positive person and I want to live an engaged life.”

Remember that judgement and unkind thoughts are not only harmful when directed towards others, but they will be profoundly destructive when directed inward. Battling negative self-talk begins with awareness and ends with training yourself to rewrite your internal script. Practice makes perfect or at least it makes us more open, more engaged and much more kind to ourselves.

“We rise by lifting others.” Robert Ingersoll

In these days of instantaneous communication and rampant sharing we are more connected to each other than ever before and with that level of connection comes great responsibility and no shortage of opportunities. It is possible to know about a diagnosis, a job loss, a divorce or a pet dying as the event is unfolding in real time and we have the opportunity to engage immediately with our colleagues, friends and loved ones.  However, many of us hang back, second guess and postpone what is our initial impulse to reach out, offer help and show up.

We tell ourselves that we shouldn’t impose. We don’t want to intrude or overwhelm. We tell ourselves that we should wait because the people in the lifeboat will send up a flare when they really need help paddling. Days pass, weeks even and we see an update on Facebook or Caring Bridge or an email goes out from church. Maybe the school sends a letter or the boss makes an announcement and with this new information comes a another, stronger push to connect, but again we hesitate. We assume that the situation must be worse and we imagine that “they” are even more distressed and, in truth, so are we. As the days turn to weeks and months and longer it becomes easier and yet more stressful somehow to reach out with an offer of support or assistance or sympathy.

Plus, we might just be feeling a wee bit of guilt tangled up in our hesitation.

Right this second, people you know are going through it. Yes, strangers, tribes and nations are struggling as well, but for this moment let’s just focus on our own circles, communities and families. It doesn’t matter if weeks have passed since it happened. It doesn’t matter that you don’t know how to begin the conversation or that you’re afraid of saying the wrong thing. Of course the situation at hand is scary or makes you sad or feels impossible to fix. The only thing that matters is that you show up and extend your hand, your actual flesh and bone hand, not an emoji or a quote posted on a feed.

Show up.
Use your words.
Out loud and in person.
Let go of your anxieties, your expectations and your ego.

The only wrong move is no move and the experience of that connection will be transformative.

We must also be patient and willing to forgive if our genuine attempts to show up are not initially embraced. People in the eye of a storm can be blinded by wind and water and flying debris and some may not know how to reach for the hands that have been extended. So keep on extending! Go ahead and offer to update a resume, mow the lawn, recommend a therapist, drive carpool or make a meal.

“There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community.”
M. Scott Peck

When I worked for many years in a hospital setting I would often encounter individuals facing the most overwhelming of circumstances and yet, most of them were resolute in their determination to “go it alone” and neither ask for nor accept support, especially from the larger community. There is a deep and abiding trait in our culture that one should be self-sufficient and handle life without appearing vulnerable, but this trait can be taken to the extreme and cause isolation, anxiety and destruction. When I encountered this “go it alone” attitude, almost always in the face of overwhelming hardship and distress, I would simply suggest that it might be the responsibility of the afflicted and/or their caregivers to provide a learning opportunity for their family and their community.

What if this hard time, your hard time, is the only opportunity your neighbor will be given to learn compassion and generosity? What if this is the moment when your child’s classmates can learn to be resourceful and kind? And what about your congregation being able to put faith into action? It happens to be what I deeply believe, that good can come from bad, that even the most bitter of situations will result in sweetness and personal growth for someone. The difficult truth is that we may not get to know where or when the good will occur in the midst of our own hard times, but that should not deter us from offering the lesson.  So, how to begin to allow for some vulnerability and growth?

Consider these simple steps:

Practice saying the word “yes” when people ask if there is anything they can do for you. Just “yes” and then a pause to take note of the fact that the other party hasn’t hung up the phone or run screaming from the room leaving a giant person-sized hole in your wall.

After speaking “yes” aloud comes the hard part because you may have no idea what you actually need and again, it will feel awkward and unnatural to continue on with a list of things that would be helpful. This will get easier with time, just like push-ups. Concrete needs are far easier to speak aloud than emotional or supportive needs so keep a short list of some of the things that you have not had energy or time for during your crisis. Dry cleaner drop-off, fresh fruit from the market, gas cards, etc. Plus, it is very easy for people to complete a task, run an errand or make a meal and sometimes much harder for them to sit with you in the hospital, accompany you to church or talk with you about your fears and anxieties.

The next step is to pay attention. Pay attention to how good it feels to have a little help and pay attention to the faces and words of those who are helping. In the face of hardship you will see affection, accomplishment, serenity, kindness and strength. The people who have stepped forward to help will experience, many for the first time ever, the satisfaction of giving of themselves to another person and you may experience, for the first time ever, the gift and healing of accepting support from another. You need not do it all alone, all of the time.

Finally, welcome and forgive. Welcome the unexpected person who arrives to offer support and forgive the expected friend or family member who simply doesn’t show. We really have no idea what motivates or intimidates another person and the choice to welcome and forgive in equal measure will prevent unnecessary stress from consuming the resource that is our ability to cope with what is ahead. Sometimes people simply don’t know what to say or how to behave and other times they might be caught up in their own hardship and their own inability to ask for help. One never knows.

For many people, hard times do result in a mental health crisis and no matter how many people join in the struggle, feelings of anxiety and loneliness can swamp the vessel that is sailing toward solid ground. Part of the challenge of growing strong by accepting help may mean saying “yes” when someone says, “Do you think you should talk to somebody?”

 

“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” C.S. Lewis

It is the time of the year when our joy feels more exuberant and our sadness more acute. We are inundated with images of close-knit families gathered around holiday tables and also by what looks like an increase in homelessness, poverty and distress as we are asked to donate, volunteer and surveil our loved ones for depression, anxiety and abuse. Many people experience an increase in their own stress levels as they contemplate shopping for gifts, navigating security lines for holiday travel and trying to set realistic expectations for the season. Let us not forget that the daily news offers us local violence, international terrorists, global climate change and the unnerving voice of presidential candidates eager to talk more and listen less.

I want to suggest an exercise of sorts, one to be completed daily or weekly or hourly even, a practice of awareness to help us navigate the final weeks of 2015. It might be worthwhile to take a few moments to think back to last December and consider what you can actually remember, the specifics. Regardless of your religion, ethnicity or political party, you probably participated in some form of holiday or year-end celebration. Take a moment and think back to last December. If you are so inclined, try to recall the gifts you received, the events you attended and the people you saw, some of them may have been lost to you since last year. Not only by death, but also by choice or circumstance.

I had a hard time remembering the stuff, presents I opened, outfits I fretted over and meals I ate. It was far easier to remember the gifts I gave last year than those I received. It also took me quite a while to think through the people part. The friends and acquaintances I have remained close to and those who have drifted away. It was easy to remember the few who have died this past year, but what about the ones I have just been lazy about keeping? Facebook posts do not equal actual contact and while we are all busy, are we really that busy? Too busy to call a friend on a Saturday morning and spend 10 minutes checking in or too busy to drop by the open house even if we have another invitation across town.

So try taking a little inventory of your December 2014 memories and then consider how you might like to spend this December. What is important to you this year? Stuff or people? Dollars spent or time spent? Rhetoric or intimacy? Intention or image? To be honest, I like a little bit of everything, but with a clear preference for community and intimacy. I would gladly forego the boxes in favor of another evening around the table playing cards with friends who range in age from 10 to 85.

Finally, if the inventory leaves you with the sense that it is time to make some changes in your life or if there are people with whom you would like to connect, but circumstances make that unhealthy or uncertain, consider that this may be the December to take care of yourself and reach out for the life that you wish to create. It is wise and good to turn awareness into intention and ultimately into action.

 

There is a great deal of information available about depression in all of its various forms. I defy you to watch daytime television or anytime television, for that matter, and not be inundated by gorgeously art-directed commercials detailing the realities of depression and heralding the latest pharmaceuticals.

Make no mistake, depression is real and debilitating and the treatment of depression is a very important thing. Pharmaceuticals are also a good thing and they can make a world of difference when they are prescribed appropriately, monitored closely and supported by talk therapy. But, there is also a little situation which sometimes arises in our lives that is less serious, less intense and far less difficult to address.

I am referring to the blues.

For the purpose of our conversation let me further define the blues as a transitory and unpredictable feeling of melancholy exacerbated by, but definitely not limited to: bad weather, weight gain, being done wrong by a man, a woman or “the man”, the Cubs, job stress, home stress, running out of cream for your morning coffee, watching any portion of the national news especially political coverage and not getting a single like or response to your most clever Tweets, Facebook posts or Instagram pics.

Here are a few ideas for besting the blues:

“Sing Out Louise!” It’s no accident that there is an entire musical genre known as The Blues. Go ahead and give your bummed-out-bad-mood-vibe a little traveling music. No one is listening, not when you’re standing in your shower with the exhaust fan humming and who knows, you might have an open mic night in your future.

Move it. Get some exercise and let those endorphins work for you. They are real and they will trigger positive feelings in the body, similar to that of morphine. You don’t have to compete in an Iron Man, just break a sweat a few times a week.

Do unto others. It can be good medicine to help others. Not your friend who needs help drinking a six pack, but maybe that older couple down the block who needs help raking their leaves. Service and thoughtfulness can be wonderful distractions from the blues.

Light it up. Daylight Savings Time ends on Sunday, November 1, 2015 at 2 AM which means the light will fade earlier and earlier every evening. A few well-placed light timers can keep your environment from giving you the blues. The key is to set timers so your lights turn on BEFORE you return in the evening which will make your home feel welcoming and warm instead of empty and gloomy. A programmable thermostat may also be a good idea.

Well, the Cubs are out of it and Daylight Savings is almost over which means that “The night will soon be dark and full of terrors”. Pay extra attention to your possible triggers and take some steps to limit the impact of the blues in your life.

If you are having long-standing, debilitating feelings of depression, then consider finding a therapist. I happen to be one and as long as there is cream for my morning coffee, I am ready and willing to help.

“The simplest acts of kindness are far more powerful
than a thousand heads bowing in prayer.” — Mahatma Gandhi

 

I used to wear a small button on my hospital ID badge that said Be Kind. It was more of a reminder to myself than any sort of suggestion or directive to others. We get so busy and frantic as we are engulfed by the myriad responsibilities that arrive with each new day that we often forget to be kind, to ourselves and to the other humans around us.

Why kindness? Here are some of the benefits:

Lightness of being. Instead of holding grudges and carrying resentment out into the world, kindness is extremely portable. Leave the negatives behind and your entire countenance will be lighter, more open and you will have available space in your soul to pick up some wisdom and beauty as you move through the world.

Connection. A kind word, a little encouragement and a welcoming smile seem to be disappearing from our society as we look into our smart phones for all manner of distraction and interaction. It feels nice to laugh with someone in the grocery checkout line or while waiting for the elevator door to open.

It’s Memorable. Simply put, kindness leaves people with a positive impression that they remember. Sure, we notice the obnoxious person who yells at the barista, but we remember the kind man who saw us juggling too many items and let us go ahead at the checkout. Research shows that people then turn around and pass kind gestures forward multiplying the kindness ratio and improving the ozone (that last bit may be fiction, but then again…)

Not a single thing. I mean it. Sometimes we extend kindness to others only to be met with impatience and rudeness and we simply have to take another breath and be kind again. The majority of time though, when I remember to have kind thoughts and try to greet the world with kindness, I find that I laugh a little bit more and rest a little bit easier.